They don’t live together, but they come to see us together

…very smart people who don’t understand smart words

The pool worker carried me around the pool for 30 minutes.

- he’s a big pooper

- wow, is it usually that much?

- yeah, at least on the first pass

He has this grandiose idea that we’re a big group of friends that all love each other.

I think every dog is cute – except English terriers.

Anyone that’s interested in me is a man that I hate.

It’s just, like, such a thing.

This is the horseshit that you do, try to control every single aspect of my life, and I will no longer stand for it, Larry.

I come to America, so nice. Big house. Ocean.

Have you seen how you live?

I started looking, you know, and the more I looked, the more I found.

Fur…sac

If you fall off this, you die.

I feel like we’re in Italy.

This is what Williamsburg needs, cafes and restaurants

She could have chosen to go back to Florida

I told the kid he has to play for the club because that’s his payment for the banjo

Don’t tell her to tell you what to do.

Do you want bread?

No – do YOU want bread???

I’m trying not to say things out loud.

My opinion matters – I have final approval.

If you don’t do what I tell you, I will kill your family.

Oh, I NEVER told my father to shut up.

She’s so cool. I like her. The only thing that would make her cooler is if she was gay.

Yeah. I just want to peel her skin off and wear it.

I would fuck fuck.

This girl looks like a newborn rotisserie chicken.

A have a thing for these little Asian kids

He’s at the gym getting big, big muscles for you.

You know who will be the most anxious? Me.

- Would you like to buy my art?

- Not right now.

Is Bob like short for Richard or something?

See how she curls her fingers? Watch her well. That’ll be us tomorrow.

She’s this little nugget between the ages of 65 and 100.

It’s like 99.9% stoopid.

Exxon Mobil is very good.

Your BF gotta be your best friend. My BF my best friend; that’s why he can’t know about the HIV, so I gotta keep taking my PrEP.

He doesn’t do any kind of child care.

Oh wait. They have a Jewy Rye here.

She’s straight, so she’s controversial.

It’s French, it’s fancy, and it’s very expensive.

He owns a trucking company, so alls he does is drive.

- so you’re a they

- I wouldn’t go that far

He put beans on toast, and I was like, ‘I’m going to throw up.’

Don’t step on the shit, babe.

If you’re a Disney employee and a kid wants to exchange lanyards with you, you have to.

You’re going to despise the painting because it’s small !?

I just need to find za way… ya, ya, ya, don’t worry.

I know you will find a solution, but next time you’re out!

This bitch! This bitch! People be callin’ this bitch my wife!

She didn’t show up to Jennifer’s wedding.

- What does he do?

- He does things.

- He does things?

- Yeah.

Daddy, we are making hair soup!

He’s my son, roommate, significant other—also my most trusted advisor.

I drink coffee. I chill. I not know when I am going to be there.

I know there’s probably a crystal somewhere around here that you can rub on yourself.

Get up, it’s time for your spanking.

I be worried about bugs; I don’t care about nothin’ else!

I don’t understand how the world works.

Have some coleslaw and we’ll take it from there.

…and when I vent, I just want you to tell me everything is going to be okay.

This guy—this guy cheated on his sister.

I’d rather have the tequila and not be valedictorian than not have the tequila and be the valedictorian.

Avoid disappointment and future regret.

It was magical seeing the booty vessel in iMax

Don’t say anything—just walk away.

For every top, there IS a bottom.

I like the peasant tortillas.

Before Trader Joe’s? I was in corporate HR

I haven’t seen a firefly in years.

i am rich, rich with prejudice

It’s a salad; it’s supposed to be cold.

I started eating meat again

If you’re single, you can just go to a party and find someone to sleep with for the night.

I thought it needed salt, but then I tried it with the sauce and it was perfect.

I guess Fentanyl is a big thing now - people are, like, overdosing.

Fuckin titties

You’re stealing from charity, go get a job!

Seeing one makes me want one: that’s the problem with bagels.

It’s all white and has just music inside.

Why do you spend your life spending money you don’t have?

Can you imagine having a phone number that ends in 80 then 99

Did you meet my friend Gary?

Language is a series of words, man.

I climbed the steps at Penn Station – I was winded

I’m so glad to be a woman right now!

I didn’t think a hostel would screw me over.

Each team should have one man.

If I was from America id be depressed

I’m never doing surgery in Paris.

I just went to my fist Starbucks in Houston!

There has been a resurgence of My Little Pony content lately.

Australia is the skinhead capital of the world

I bet abortions are so much more pleasant here though.

(extremely British children at the gallery pointing at various written tablets)

Look, haary, I've found another Rosetta Stone!

I would highly recommend doing what you love.

*British child accent*
Is that pee in a bottle?

I want that all-white IKEA look

Every time I think I’m pregnant, I’m terrified

Stand back, or you’ll be scratched.

For starrrters we ave thee snails, thee liver…

A clean asshole tastes like nothing.

I don’t give a shit about offending Jon.

I love explaining things to people who know less about something than I do!

Let’s go fucking make some money

Next Christmas, I’m getting you handcuffs and a leash.

Do you ever go to cookie swaps?

THE NUMBER 7?!

SHUT YHTHBE Y#*)Tueirkhy;lguy7tkhjk

friend groups are like hyena packs they each have their own way of laughing

adikshoiTH#$WE*I(ROW$HE*(WHW#*E(YIHJFFSDEKIOJLMHCJ KMN

It’s pretty much waxing, but without the wax

You have a very big toe for your age

I’ve completely given up on drinking and driving.

With the internet, everyone is connected by cables that go under the water.

As an annoying guy, April fools is your Ramadan.

As an annoying guy, April fools is your Ramadan.

As an annoying guy, April fools is your Ramadan.

che succhi

I would only have sex with the chef.

If he’s so great, why is he dead?

test

Good ventilation has nothing to do with enriching oxygen

You guys are the same color. Wouldn’t it be so cute if you got along?

“I still think her husband killed her.”

“If I had my way, I’d send Black women back to slavery.”

“For someone covered in skin, you sure have a lot of skin.”

“Watchu think this is, hoochie mama city? My baby ain’t gonna be no hoochie mama”

“Watchu think this is, hoochie mama city? My baby ain’t gonna be no hoochie mama”

Hanging out is just like zooming but in person.

I’ve got a great Ben Franklin book for you, Anne

I’m a one Tupperware guy.

“She’s gay, she’s raw...”

“She’s gay, she’s raw...”

I have no idea what surfboards cost, but I was thinking of getting a surfboard.

I don’t mind the crusty stuff.

Don’t you think trump was sent by god?

I got this really great weed that I grew myself. I’ll trade it to you for a chicken.

I sure as shit wouldn’t want to go swimming in this water.

Do you remember when we used to do the woo-woo at night?

She claims that she used a condom and that he sabotaged her.

I’m sorry you’re so disturbed.

Is the meat sauce good?

Obviously we are living in Aiden’s world.

Dj: We’ve all been quarantined, we’ve all been held up, are you ready to party tonight??!

Everyone: [Cheers]

There are 8 million women in the world.

I had two or three calls with Alan over the past three hours.

It was just the standard every day soul and life crushing kind of depression.

I think I sound sweet, generous, and fun … anyway…

People wearing masks outside is evidence that they know nothing about Covid.

She’s a lot hotter without clothes.

Every place is terrible.

You’re gonna love this guy. He can turn an apple into a bird.

Excuse me sir, I mean ma’am, there’s a woman throwing up behind you.

You can eat my mother fucking ass. The crap from my mother’s fucking ass.

Wow, poisonous snakes can still bite. I didn’t even think about that.

Ladies and Gentlemen, please do not put any body parts in the doors while they are closing.

(Heckling from a pontoon boat as his 5-year-old child repeatedly honks the horn)

Sup bitches! Trump 2020!

I’m not concerned with your feelings, pussy!

Too much liberals

Have you checked your sent folder?

At least if I’m in the US, I know I’ll get good healthcare.

I don’t like all this ‘entitlement guilty’ stuff. I’m politically incorrect, that’s just the way I am.

Let’s just have our fairs and call them protests and have thousands of people come!

-You have something on your face.

-Is it good, or bad?

She bought so much fuckin’ salt

One parent can support ten children, but ten children cannot support one parent. That’s just the way it goes.

I just got a new dentist who’s Asian, which I like. I’m totally prejudiced against Asian and Pakistani doctors!

They’re amazing; they just are!

She used the word “queer”, I hope in an old-fashioned way.

Oh shit, is there pizza on me?

- We’re looking for jazz for her boyfriend. Is Miles Davis Jazz?

- Well, I mean, I guess he can be jazzy sometimes, sure.

If I was in better shape, I’d want to do snow tubing once in my life.

Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, I live with her, Steve.

A four-year-old slut—I get it, I get it

Soon we’re gonna have more babies than adults!

Nobody ever came back from Heaven and said the pizza was good. Gotta enjoy it while we're here.

Blood is more replenishable than money.

She says she’s always depressed, but I feel like that’s a half turn-on

Who do you think you are? Who do you think I am?

Give me half a billion and I’ll be set for life.

Give me money and I will do anything.

She was definitely more hippie than she let on.

Bro, here’s the thing: you chose a career that helps society, but I chose one that makes it.

It smells like baby.

I WANT TO GO IN THERE! [screaming infant points to the Guggenheim]

You can stay at my place and we can do Peloton together - I have two of them

Why am I always getting my ass slapped by fucking white people?!

You’re nice; what’s wrong with you?

I thought she was just a normal human with a baby

Terry, I don’t know if you know this but you were going to get aborted. Your mom was going to abort you.

-How much do you think that motherfucker is right there?

-30 million?

-Look at that fuckin’ yard dude.

-Do you know how much 30 million dollars is?

My shoes in Europe were not good either.

I don’t think Daniel Craig is cute... but he is very, very cool.

We chose this life.

My dad owns that building.

9 out of 10 women get murdered

I’m black, but inside I am Jewish.

Look guys, Park Avenue: another block on the monopoly board.

We need more white people.

– Any time someone wants to hangout in the evening it’s because they want to date you.

–We’re hanging out and it’s a Tuesday evening.

–Ya, but this is different.

–How is this different?

–Because we know each other.

Hopefully I don’t have that dream again.

Central Park is so 2002…I saw a 16-year-old and she was gorgeous.

It’s so unfair how girls can look so attractive.

We don’t have fresh fruit, but we have powdered fruit.

Would you please be a little bit more of an alpha?

I’ve had sex more times than I’ve given blood.

What floor is the roof on?

I’m telling you, this tree is incredible

I had some Hasidic boys do it on the street

Excuse me, they don’t allow gay guys over there.

I wasn’t being mean to you, you misunderstood, I was being nice to you

There’s a difference between Indians and Pakistanis.

This bus driver does not slow down

At first I was like “you’re hot.” Then I was like “ok, you’re hot but you’re crazy.”

I was just like, if we’re in a relationship, aren’t we supposed to be fucking

Bro, I had to take a step back from my life and reflect.

I wish I was a kid sitting in a fucking stroller

“It’ll be all right. The Lord’s got us.”

That nigga went to the hospital in an Uber pool.

Wait up! You can get paid to do this!

Some melons just do not belong with egg.

Who would be your dream person to listen to you?

I’m in contact with guys from every prison.

The fire alarm is beeping, I took a picture, it says “trouble”... ya, I tried everything, I pressed enter or whatever, you know

She doesn’t pee

When I start making money, I’ll buy us both food.

Let’s get some endorphins up in this bitch.

We can’t let this coupon go to waste

Duchamp is the fucking king. I got my first tattoo of him.

My dad just got his new crop of interns.

I told Gina that I want this summer to turn me into a man

Red potatoes with green onions and black pepper—sounds great.

He was a dick. A short, bald dick.

I feel like a killjoy

They must have died or moved to Florida or something.

I do not have a cute crying face.

It’s important to be able to step back and say ‘oops, that’s not good’

If all my babies were quarters, I’d have so many babies.

I sanitized him already.

Can you believe I spent less than $100 on this outfit.

[girl in T-shirt and shorts]

It’s a Saturday, nothing bad can happen to you.

I’ve delivered a sperm tank full, and I’ve delivered one empty.

If you give me a giant dildo as a gift, I’m going to put it on a shelf, you know what I mean?

He changed his Apple ID, so I couldn’t even track him anymore.

Babies are great because they’re like 24-hour nipple attention.

I don’t drink coffee, but I thought we should meet at a coffee spot.

I’ve got a piece of bacon where it don’t belong.

It’s good in that it’s not, but that’s okay.

OMG you're both straight and hot, this is like a horror film

I really want to suck some pussy tonight.

I was at home so my mom would shovel me food all day, healthy shit.

It's like blow jobs: would you rather give one or get one?

The only way I can get tan is by burning myself

May I ask you how old your daughter is?

Could you cut it into triangles, it's for a little human.

Give me some fucking blow. I'm an American!

My son's bulldog is named Larry, Larry David

...our youngest volunteer. She's been sorting condoms since she was 5.

This currency is ridiculous.

We're dreaming the story of our lives.

I don't love you, but Jesus does.

Man, those chickenpox really got ya.

...and it's very white, clean, and modern...

No this is the pepper mayo. The tahini is blanco.

If you just know a little about human beings, you can do anything.

Haha yee, give him a big ticket. Give him the biggest ticket you can, yees.

And he's a little man. He's tiny, so I can actually fit into his clothes. We met at a bar.

That's why I don't understand these people in Italian restaurants who don't understand Latin derivatives.

You don't tell me what you want to do, I tell you what you want to do

All the cash-flow stuff is tied up in Cuba so they're not going to cash-flow us.

And he was like, 'you got the job'. Basically, he's going to pay for like me and 5 of my friends to go on vacation for a week.

Jesus said, Jesus said, Jesus said what Jesus said.

He was bad, so he went to army school

I was married to a drummer until I wasn't.

—What's wrong? What was this?

— This was the Wahlburger

I've lost a lot of friends to Brooklyn.

I'm sick of finding vape stuff in your room

It's like elaborate bacon; you snip it with scissors.

I love good wine, but I hate the part where I'm supposed to know everything about it.

Aw fish oils every day man

I know Ruth Bader Ginsburg gets blood transfusions from a young guy...

They just close the sphincter a little bit...

They do blood transfusions with young peoples' blood. They only do it in New York. You should look into it.

What's a shia labeouf?

He's a gay guy, so we're going to party super gayish while he's here.

Y'know, I'm a grown man; you're a grown man. We both have big balls. We don't give a fuck.

I think I'm going to boil my chicken and shred it. Can you just do it in water?

And drinks are only twenty bucks!

My iPhone says that I walked two and a half miles today

Having a pet is easy, it eats what I eat and sleeps when I sleep

Dr. Day knows what he's doing

I could tell my mom anything and she'd believe me

Get your muthafuckin' dick out of my muthafuckin' face, ya white-ass muthafucka.

You know how in Spanish you can say "mi casa es su casa?" How do you say "my titties are your titties?"

If she doesn't pay you, all we have to do is tell everyone in the basement.

I'm the wife – I'm the wife of Steve

This piss feels so fucking good!

He's not being lynched; he's being hanged—and there are a lot of layers to it.

Mom, what the fuck, you don't do your taxes?

I got two baguettes, so there are 4 ends for you

I love your entire fucking neighborhood dude

You should never give a dog a person's birthday present.

I'm going to kill you and then you're going to be dead. Ok?

The summer colors are really popping

If you want to go pee at my office, we could do that

The only thing streaming is my piss

I'm in a professional band. We do covers and stuff.

I just love peeing outside.

In Kenya, they have more melatonin than other people.

Pyrotechnics really get me off. I'm rock hard!

I don't know what Google fucking article you read, but you're wrong

Ya but maybe people will listen to you more if you're a little funny like that

I thought myself design...so easy

Rosh Hashanah is the apple one.

–You like so often don't end your train of thought

–I know!

–I'm like the same you know?

I'd be happy with an 18-year-old's hairline.

A little advice for when you're old: never pass up an opportunity to use the bathroom, never pass up a boner, and never trust a fart.

Cunt is cruder than dick.

[child to elder]

Why did you call me ginger? Do I look like a ginger to you?

Come to our bible study. Come – we all need visas

He's up there somewhere ready to shit on all of us

Meth seems pretty cool in principle.

If your expectations are that I exceed expectations – what does that mean?

More poop than if you went to the public phone

That bitch had lice.

Well, he didn't poop today. Maybe that's why he didn't call.

You gotta be careful or else you'll lose your phone down the sink again and that will be it

Yeah dude, I'm boys with that bouncer. I talked to him for twenty minutes once.

They're not teenagers, they're like people, like literal people

It's like having that thing that's always in your sight but out of your reach

The trees are having sex

Yourself is wrong all the time

Now everyone, the thing that's so special about this park is that it's not just a park! It's a playground!

[phone call]

Can you pick me up, I don't want to have to use my legs...ya, I can get into a BMW.

–I found it in the tube.

–You mean the sewer Charlie? You found it in the sewer?

I like sausage in general. Really, any sausage.

This is where I met my first girlfriend after my separation from my wife.

Who wouldn't like a cute little erotic sculpture?

...And that's why I like Jersey.

Do you realize how much money we probably walk by every day? It's probably like $2.30.

—guess what Melissa?

—chicken nugget

[silence]

The one time I gave him pussy, I got pregnant.

I do this every night; My name is grandpa

Listen, after you poop, we'll give you candy

I recently read a book about eating fruit in new ways.

Do not put that in your mouth!

I need to get stronger. It's healthy in a physical and a metaphysical sense.

If I don't get a piece of bread, I'm going to blow this city up

Each Shabbat, I very specifically ask you "how long is this going to take?"

I can’t believe you're pro-cicada.

Sorry I'm not your mexican boyfriend

Did the mouse die?

Not really.

My son, he's like, he's like, black from the waste down

Why is it so difficult to get it up, but so easy to get it down

They have those weird tomatoes that you like

He's 13, but he walks beautifully

They eat apples for lunch. Apples, for lunch.

I had a fun time being your friend.

This could be the most likes I've ever had. Right now I have 13 likes.

The power of memes makes time go faster.

Is that a poop or is it a rock

We're going to take the scalpal to the knee and we're going to get in there

Excuse me, which skin care do you use?

-Man, I would kill a cop in a heartbeat. Would you kill a cop?

-yeah, but it would be spontaneous.

—That was a dodgy piece of salmon

—well what do you expect from a sixteen dollar salad?

casual, fun, flirty relationship with your boss

...cameltoe hahah, my mom, we used to call her Cam because no underwear

If she's not sedated, that's not going to work

Did you know all men were once women

My heart is in New York real estate

you should try the pepper my mom eats, you'll die!

It's going to be 95% perfect and 5% OK and that's fine

I want your shoes to make me look like a white woman.

There's two kinds of uber drivers, a hood ass nigga or a chick

Gentlemen, can you stop focusing on yourselves for a moment, and take a picture of US?

That's my past, it's not like I'm still gang banging now

And to think I used to work for these scumbags

iz it pozzible to order pizza with you?

I took some risks—marketing miracle weight-loss powders that might be featured in the back of the National Enquirer.

Welcome to America, you've got to buy your books

They're starting to get the wheelchairs out so the airplane must be close

He gave me the longest bear hug, and I was like, who is this guy?

If it's not on Netflix, I steal it.

Did you get your fingers in all the right holes?

Nuts outta your ass

I'd marry both of you at the same time.

For grandma- I got her that ornament with Shaun but she didn't deserve it

If I see that thing out while you're trying to do something else, you're out!

I don’t need a gay best friend

I hope you get home safe tonight; you deserve it.

I've got some trouble with my tight end

I've got a lot of stock in in-flight wifi...you've got to evolve or die

Why lie to me when I already know

Fire's not supposed to go on a sandwich.

I wanna take that record and run it up the soundcloud chart

She can't get pregnant, so I wouldn't worry about that

I need to be more stimulated than just reading. Reading is too boring for me.

You guy I have some good new, Jesus Christ is coming back soon

I have so many emotions.

That can happen after 8 hours of porn

Girl, you’ve been riding me like Seabiscuit

-What kind of music do you want to use?

-Something millennialish.

Did you read that really depressing article I sent you?

Daughter: 'What is it?'

Father: 'Art'

'happy valentines day!! you're my secret admirer!!'

'happy hannukah!!'

I'm in the market for a good fedora

Mom, it will make you feel alive

It's a whole thing going to the bathroom here!

What are they supposed to provide, milk and cookies??

Someone asked me what's my first name, I didn't know

I watched that movie, 50 Degrees of Shade. It was quite a hot movie.

Love lovah love love look at this man, mr. skinny

The forks here are kind of weak

i'm like Why do you have a submarine? who has a submarine?

This farm-to-table look is really in right now.

No, mom, wait, you can't leave me like this

“It’s like having 50% of your blood be pus”

PF Chang's is gonna be fucking up my paycheck bro

I heard bushwick was the best

There is no such thing as forests, just trees close together; there are no trees, they are just plastic.

You want to see a picture of me from 1980?

Anyone wanna get their fingers sticky?

We just made out then fell on the ground and rolled around

Now there's a lady who knows how to take a leak.

well in the article i read they were saying like its gonna be cool because it's like so uncool right now?

Those in wheelchairs should stay in their seats.

Ladies and gentlIn Wv

My girl's got problems, man.

She's real slick with words, they come out like water

There were literally—literally—meth-heads in the store.

It's not easy to diet—especially to diet expensively.

i don't understand fostering children OR animals

I've been running from gorillas for five years. I refuse to work with them.

that's nice for warm water that's nice for warm water

I felt the same way about th emango chipotle salsa

My son is just me with Botox.

You can be street-smart and still be dumb as fuck.

It would've been racism if it was the other way around

Bro, I'm tellin' you, I like girly girls.

My shape has become different.

There's thousands of updates to snapchat daily!

no they were like all over eachother, in the Best way

No, if you were going to lift both the sword and the stone, you'd have a mace before you even got to the first part.

I feel like my balls are going to fall out

I was from the Matt era, so I never called him Jeremiah

This has been an odd summer eh?

I don't know what happened...I just woke up in bed next to my best friend.

I didn't start doing my laundry until a year ago

It was not burnt when I covered the cake

People don't just have one kid once

Man young peepee

Entrance is free if you buy a ticket

You have to down-vote it, then up-vote it

Dance battling leads to grinding.

i got a problem

heres the problem

you live in jersey city

and i want a chicken sandwich

and i want a chicken sandwich from the halal on 145th st...

like a bacon egg and cheese just perplexes me

Should i get ..the classic?

If the classic was any good they wouldn't have made all the other ones !

—we don't serve endless bread,

—let's skip it then

Hey babe what's your zip code?

You adopted, motherfucker

If you already have a big ass, you don't need to swoosh... it does it on its own.

that don't seem like her scene tho..

she don't have no scene!

I'm telling you, all roads lead to impregnating your girlfriend.

Sorry for the apology!!

I mean theorically, since it's industrial, it'll be quiet at night

The clam shack definitely serves vulva tartare.

But why should her personal physicalness be any different?

How dare you call me The Keggerator?

How was iCloud?

Someone left the yogurt key in the bathroom again

hey kids, ya wanna see a big ship?

I'm homeless, in a way.

Not to sound racist, but...

You want to fertilize some eggs with me?

A lot of ugly people go to prison.

I just need to drink all this so I throw up that cake.

This is fat person weather

Gifs are really viral right now.

Now, lemme know what you think appropriatewise

They basically exploited her – not in a bad way though

...And so I grab her by the hair and throw her across the desk...

That's super fucking interesting

I'm gonna snatch that shit out of his shit

Color blindness is a humbling disability.

I've got a cup of change, I'm successful

It's too edgy for them

You photograph very well Ariel, you're very thin. Most people have a double chin from certain angles; you have no double chin from any angles, so it helps.

Havin' all those kids has been crazy for me.

That's what I'm telling you, the floor plan you sent me is not of this space

There is such thing as ice coffee but not lemonade.

I don't actually feel like I'm drowning, but it's the spirit of the inspiration that overwhelms me.

My face is perfect

in the context of everything, I guess we're all designed

I keep findin myself in a burlesque setting

We'll provide a dj for a really awesome experience for the bloggers

Time ain't got no common sense

It's not just strapped on for some kind of new age feel!

Does 50 Cent adjust for inflation?

there are no bubbles in this, there are supposed to be bubbles in this

Memes are def having a renaissance right now

They ate her last piece of bread

You can be strong as balls and still be fat

I smell like wood; smell me right now

if you have money, I can tell you where to spend it

when I like somebody, I like love them

I like her, she's nice. But she's a Leo

We should replace this jew with a better Jew.

capitalism is the root of all evil man

This is what it means to be with people. You hurt eachother!

Well the thing is that I'm an artist and I like doing drawings.

"Animals are getting more and more popular now than ever—dogs."

I'm curious how Philip Glass's career would have progressed if he hadn't made any music.

"You know those two trash cans that I normally meet you at?"

The food at Spa Castle is not good

This is the most hipster fucking bushwick fucking bullshit I've ever fucking seen.

You aren't answering the question. Hard or soft?

Douche or douche-bag?

'I hate when dudes who studied philosophy and theory...'

'Wait, I studied philosophy'

'Oh yeah, so did I'

Donald Trump is bad

I really like it that you guys think that I'm super strong

did i tell you that i dated michael jackson's magician's ex-wife for 6 months in vegas?

no one cares about reality anymore

The homophobia didn't bother me that much

I can make you better things if you pay me...but I'm telling you, it's not going to be perfect.

If you can drink eggnog, you can drink it.

Nah that's not happening I'm too dad bod to wear a turtleneck

it's not about the board you play on, but the moves you make

Yeah but now you can no longer call it "I live with my parents". Now it's like "my parents live with me"

I thought my answer was logical

'We have a 17 month old daughter, she's been on 52 flights, and it's just been so great having her, and having her go on so many flights'

I don't know why all my exes are alcoholics. Oh wait. Yes I do, I met them at bars.

he was hot as shit

Hi. I'm your neighbor. I can hear your techno.

I don't get vests

he's a good house guest, doesn't use a lot of toilet paper

"My son, he married young, you know? Married the first girl that licked butt."

I'd rather say oh well than what if

The new Iphone only has one hole as opposed to two. That's so heteronormative

I decided I should be focusing more on MY instagram rather than the gallery's

Everyone wants to look like a hot tired 18 year old who just left a party and has to turn in some paper to their professor

If you have time, that 8 year old is really worth trying

butt fluff

I just had this whole long conversation with myself about living life

am i the ONLY businessman left

Kinda like a frappacino, but not

I want to make sure that you can afford me

yea, sorry about today

I smell good. I taste good. What's good?

cya in a day, or a year

Vagina roast

So what did you text back?

Thanks for the fuck fest last night.

Perfect.

my dad is worried about the fact that so many people are moving back into their parents house

I can ride a short distance on a nice day with stuff sticking out the back

Like...his vocabulary sucks. Like the only book he should reading is that dictionary.

I have two older half sisters

I could tell you your whole life story

Who needs to make money when you can just spend it

Now, Michael doesn't like any carbonated drinks, except Perrier, he likes Perrier

You have a sexy butt, but I respect that, cause I have mothers, daughters, and sisters

Man, if you really like pens though...

Yo she fucks like a minx dude, better than any other girl!

Dude have you banged her??

No no dude no!

You bring the girls, I'll bring the booze

what time are you coming tomorrow question mark" she said into her phone, " and what time would you like to eat

No one wins until everyone wins

Why would you rescue it? They're called alley cats for a reason.

don't make me choose, between me and you

So do you like autotune or do you like singing like without autotune

I also got some...have you ever heard of frosé

Girl one: "I just found out beer is bread"

Girl two: "I'd totally drink an everything bagel beer"

Adjectives haven't done anything for me

"So you do video art?"

"No, I'm an academic—but I also do video art."

i can smell everything

(Older man in nice maroon suit and white hat)

... know I'm thinkin that white girl wanna give Me some

(Looks up at me)

Not you

What is it? I'm reading how to fly an Irish wolfhound overseas

Woman to child:

"Mimi, are you a teenager? "

Girl dancing around w swiss chard:

"No"

"Good."

Mama, why's Frankenstein afraid of fiiiire

Guy: What is it?

Other Guy: it's beard in an area where you should shave.

Hey guys I heard the dog ate a plastic fork...[pause] yeah I mean it's fine waist down

I wanna be excavated

it doesn't work cause i doesn't care

So it'll say I'm a certified menopause practitioner

Oh my daughter loves snakes and I'm like oh you gotta get outta here with that

i love your poncho

i dont like soulcycle but you should do that without me

"is your wife here...oh bummer"

Yeah i donno I been giving her a lot of attention but she's hard

She's hard to give a lot of attention to cuz she's like used to being really high maintenance

It'll be nice, nicer than Brooklyn that's for sure.. -

Restrained Jewish businessman on the phone looking at a blazing bucket fire and fire extinguisher

we're not fighting, we're having an argument

he is so cheap, he bought vodka that doesn't even freeze. Like -- what is that shit, rubbing alcohol?

"Imagine that, first the husbands the president, then the wifes the president..."

"they don't make them like that anymore"

-son talking about father

Whole muther fuckin system can go ta hell why don you go home with yu fuckin pipes

let me tell you something, my stomach is clean

" come on woman, don't be stupid. Hello, I'm talking to you. Stop staring into space. Why don't you use that tiny brain of yours and take that bag off of the seat. "

I have a yoga mat that I don't really use

"I know he's controversial, but why"

"I've stabbed someone with a fork before, shit happens"